April's goal is entitled "Lighten Up" and deals with the topic of Parenthood. There is nothing like our children to give us the utmost happiness but at times we also experience frustration, impatience, anger, and many other negative emotions. The advice here is to acknowledge the reality of people's feelings and that includes our children. Five strategies are given: write it down, don't feel as if you have to say anything, don't say no or stop, wave your magic wand, and admit that a task is difficult. The author discusses how these strategies worked for her and her children during the month of the experiment.
I have come in contact with many of these strategies through the Suzuki violin program. For example, admitting that something is difficult helps students realize they may not get it right the first time. Since it is hard, they don't feel bad if they need to try again. Even in teaching, telling children something is easy is not a good idea. Those students who don't get it the first time think they are not as smart as others since the task is supposed to be easy.
Another Suzuki strategy is the magic wand. "If I had a magic wand, I would make that shift easier for you to play." Acknowledging that you would like to make things easy for your child helps them understand that you would try if you could. Instead some work is required and it is no one's fault, it just needs to be done.
For years, books on parenting have advocated not using the word "no" or "stop" with our children. Instead, we need to find alternate ways of phrasing these requests. However, as a parent it is not easy to accomplish. You really have to be on your toes to avoid the "no" trap. Still, when time permits, finding other ways of communicating negative requests is preferable. I found with my own children, explaining a decision went a long way in helping them understand my reasons behind it. Even something as simple as a request to buy candy or a toy at the store can be phrased in a positive way. "Why don't we put that on your Christmas list." "Mommy doesn't get paid until Friday so we need to wait." I would even prepare my girls ahead of time for an outing by saying, "When we go shopping today, we are only getting the things we have on our list so other requests will have to wait for another time." This avoided any scenes while in public.
Acknowledging how our children feel is another very important strategy. It helps them feel that we are on their side even if we can't grant their request. Repeating their desire, for example, "I understand you are having fun with your dolls right now. You don't want to take a bath even though it's time", shows that you have heard what they are saying and feeling. Children can become frustrated if they feel they are being forced to do things and this helps them realize that you are not ignoring their feelings but the job needs to be done.
The book recommended by the author is How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish. Many of these strategies are from this book and it was one that we can all refer to refresh our parenting strategies from time to time.
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